Diary of a love fool...

Slept well, woke at 5:30am. Weird old day at work. Quite a few peole off. J got very upset about some life stuff. S told us his mum has breast cancer. Went to the shop on the way home from work, bought 2 chocolate bars and ate them both. Feeling very heavy and bloated. Period due in 7 days.

Slept ok, woke up at 6am D went back to work today, dropped her off at 8am then went to the gym where I incline walked for an hour while watching You People on Netflix. Came home and had a massive deep clean of the house. Nothing exciting happened.

Took half a sleeping tablet and used some of my Christmas present from S last night. Slept right through until 8am 🥳 D was really unwell and called in sick to work, so stayed home and I made her her cosy. Wanted maccies so went for a drive through, but other than that, a very uneventful and unproductive day.

Slept ok for no aids. Always wake up at 5:30am even when I know I need more sleep. Annoying. D is home tonight for the weekend ♥️ Worked from home today - got so much done; didn’t close my laptop until after 11pm. H apologised for blowing me out, he got quite a long reply from me about his general crapness and he didn’t bother to respond. Another one bites the dust I guess. Not that arsed tbh.

Used Sarah’s Christmas present before bed last night. Slept really well. Disturbed at 5:30am so started to stretch - gave myself the most outrageous leg cramp in my left calf so wa fully awake very absruptly. Worked in Wycombe today, loooong meeting.  Was supposed to meet up with H in the evening, but he cancelled. No apology, no suggestion of a reschedule. Don’t think that was intentional on his part; I think he’s absolutely shite at both communicating and dating. Or perhaps I’m deluded 🤷🏼‍♀️

Woke at 3:30am, couldn’t get back to sleep. No internet all day at work which really disrupted everything. Very quiet uneventful evening.

Slept well last night. Used Christmas gift from S before bed which really helped. Heard from H but his communication is utter shite. Nothing else to report. Cold weather is making me a house gobin.

Didn’t take any sleep aids last night, and slept pretty well. Wild dreams though. Ok day at work. Didn’t hear from H. Nothing much to report.

Woke at 5:30am but managed to get back to sleep until 8:30am. Much needed. Slow to get going due to the sleeping tablet I’d taken. Brief text exchange with H first thing in the morning…his communication via text is pretty rubbish. I get that messaging isn’t for everyone, myself included much of the time. I need slightly more from somebody I’m dating though. Very uneventful day. Caught up on some work. Didn’t go to the gym when I know it would have made me feel better and I definitely had time.

Woke up 3:30am. Managed to drift back off for a while but had to be up 6:30am. Early hair appointment, then quick look around town. Headed to meet F at the train station for a day in london - her birthday gift to me 🥰 Went to Chinatown which was packed for Chinese new year, then to see Book of Mormon at the theatre. SUCH a lovely day together ♥️ Came home and took a whole sleeping tablet and other sleep aids in the hope of catching up on some rest. New moon tonight.

Another rubbish nights sleep. Worked from home because I’m constantly interrupted in the office. Had several teams meetings so still didn’t get caught up on as much as I would have liked. D was home with me which was so nice. She was out in the evening so dropped her 8pm then went to bed.

Woke at 3:30am - hadn’t taken any sleep aids. Work was full on - DL came and was on a mission, which was a good thing. D was here when I got home 🥰 Went on a date with H which was nice, very easy, laughed a lot. We agreed a 3rd…no specific plans made though.

Took half a sleeping tablet last night - slept until my alarm woke me at 6am. Went back to sleep until 6:30am. Frustrating day at work - having to take ownership of things I shouldn’t have to 🤷🏼‍♀️ Nothing interesting to report… 

Fell asleep listening to a podcast and forgot to put the timer on, so had disturbed sleep all night. Fully woke up at 4am still very tired. J came back to work today - really good to see her.

Decent sleep. Woke at 5:30am without an alarm. No sleep aids last night. Hectic day at work - back to back meetings. H asked for a phone call at lunch time which was cute. Plans to see him Thursday evening. D stayed with me extra which has been so nice - she cooked dinner for us and cleared up after too 🥰 Feeling much more positive after the whole B debacle - he made me feel like a fool, but I know it was a him problem, not me at all.

Slept ok. Gym this morning after I dropped D at work. Hit 25 visits since joining in December. Met K and W for breakfast afterwards. Got emotional about life stuff. Heard from pilot O after months today. He’s sweet. B told me he’s decided to move approx 85 miles away, and he knew that which is why he didn’t make time for me. He also said he found communication with me difficult. I told him I wish he’d said those things before, to which he replied that he did. Untrue. The last conversation we had about where he was looking to move to, the location was 35miles away and he’s not mentioned communication being difficult - he only really messaged a couple of times per day. I think the guy is clearly in denial. I feel like shit but what can I do. If he’s not into it, he’s not into it. End of. This evening I’ll sulk; from tomorrow he no longer affects me. I’ve sneezed about 50 times tonight, think I’m getting ill.

Slept ok. Woke at 5am without an alarm. Bad day at work, locked down again. Didn’t get much done because of that.  Brief text exchange with B Feeling super low. S messaged to ask if I’m ok because I seem very down. I’m grateful for her. But still can’t help withdrawing from everyone when I feel like this. Got my period tha evening.

Slept ok. Woke at 5am without an alarm. Had to leave for work at 6:45am. H and D came over for the eve ♥️ Feel like I’m losing my mind lately.

Awful sleep, gave up at 2:30AM - no sleep aids. Got loads of work done then came home and went on a massive cleaning mission.  Went to bed fairly early - had to leave home at 6:45am

Slept pretty well last night, 10PM to 5am without any sleeping aids. Went to the gym before work and had a really good work out - it was pretty quiet when I got there. Was in there for over 2 hours. B messaged this morning wanting to check if we’re still cool. Still no idea what he wants from me. Didn’t ask. Mood slightly better than yesterday.

Took half a sleeping tablet last night but just couldn’t get to sleep. Rough night. Felt like crap all day. Got a lot done at work which felt good. Need to nail my to-do list this week. Ignored my phone this evening for my sanity. Wanted to go to the gym but there were over 200 people in there so it was a hard no. Organised my stuff to go before work in the morning so hoping I can sleep tonight. Mood still v low.

Only slept till 2:30am Had today off work to spend with H&D as it’s my birthday. Went to the gym with H while D had a driving lesson. Came home, had cake and presents ten we all had a 3 hour nap. Ordered Lebanese food when we woke up and watched rubbish tv together. Grateful I got to spend today with my girls.

Slept till 05:30. Went back to sleep until D woke me at 07:30 for me to take her to work. Went back to bed as soon as I was home and slept till 12:00! Felt super weird after sleeping so long. Helped H get ready to go back to uni. Took some stuff to the tip, went to jet wash and vac my car in the pouring rain then picked D up from work. Drank a mini bottle of Prosecco and felt way more drunk than anticipated. Overwhelming urge to message B and pour my heart out, but really what is the point? He clearly doesn’t feel the same and doesn’t communicate well with me anyway. Didn’t do it.

Took half a sleeping pill last night and slept 23:00 - 07:30. Thought I was going to be working from home but had to rush into work as I’d left my charger there and my laptop died right before a Teams meeting 🤦🏼‍♀️ Didn’t have time to get ready properly and felt like a real mess all day 👎🏼 Went to the gym with H and C 20:30 - it was absolutely rammed 🤢 Feeling very tired. Mood is low.

Slept pretty well last night 23:00-06:30 with no sleep aids. Slept until my alarm woke me up which is rare for me. Was asked for advice today - it felt good that my opinion was sought. JT dropped off a gift for me which was so kind; she may have overheard a private conversation as I had my phone on loudspeaker. Didn’t go to the gym today.

Slept really well last night - half a sleeping tablet helped with that. Going back to work today was long. Got it done though.  Dropped off a care package for JT on my way home as she’s full of a heavy cold atm. Also dropped off thank you gift and flowers for S&S for all the help with my broken shower.  S gave me my birthday card and present - she’s always so organised with things like that and it means so much.  Went to the gym late evening with H. Bed at 11pm which is way later than I like.

Couldn’t get to sleep last night. Scrolled TikTok for wayyy too long. Finally drifted off 2ish. Woke 8:30am not feeling great. AH arrived approx 9am to finish work on house.  Went to gym which was absolutely rammed 🤮 so just did an hour walk on the treadmill, no weights. Messaged B again (yes, I am an idiot) apologising for sending that text on nye. Also said I hoped we could keep some sort of friendship 🤦🏼‍♀️ Obviously what I’m really hoping for is for him to say he wants to give things a proper go - I know I’m delusional. Unsurprisingly he hasn’t replied. EO messaged to say that it meant a lot that I put a Christmas card through her door. Hoping that relationship can be salvaged. SC messaged to check how I am and to ask whether builder came back to finish the house ♥️  Also brief conversation in group with her and BM. Food shopped, cooked, budgeted for the coming month, organised things for going back to work tomorrow. Emailed mortgage advisor to get things moving on the ...

Nye fireworks woke me up last night. Read (Magpie, Elizabeth Day) until around 2:30am so slept late. H came home earlier than expected but went straight to bed v hung over. Went to the gym, which was very quiet. Had a really good workout. H left while I was at the gym and went to her dad’s. Very quiet day. Finished reading my book. S messaged but I wasn’t very talkative - rubbish friend. Felt pretty sad about B.

Was awake a lot in the night, so slept late. Went to the gym late morning - decent workout. Did some cleaning and organising. Saw a quote I’d like to keep in mind for the coming year: “Let me have the courage to improve the things I can control, the serenity to accept those I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference“. Messaged B to say (amongst other things) that I felt uncertain of his feelings for me which in itself tells me all I need to know. Lame and very slow reply “I don’t know what to say” 🙄 Told him I wished he was able to articulate his feelings to which he said it wasn’t the day for that 🙄🙄 Spent nye alone at home reading 🫠